Disturbing Facebook

Facebook is on a slippery slope to hell. Disagree? Lend me your ears, child.

Dumb Notifications. It’s always fun to see that someone has given me a Corvette or slapped me with a donkey. What does that even mean? And just because you like playing Oregon Trail during the summer like a total dweeb doesn’t mean I want to join your dumb wagon. Why can’t there be good notifications, like “[insert hot babe] left you a dirty message on your wall”. Or, “[insert different fly baby] gave you a hickey”. Now THAT would deserve exclamation points.

“You have received a SpeedDate match!” EXCLAMATION POINT! Like I should be sooo excited. Without fail, I get this bitch of a notification each and every morning. Huh, I don’t remember signing up for SpeedDate, but OK. What kinds of creepers are populating their information into the Facebook SpeedDate database anyways? Surely no one I care to meet. Recently, SpeedDate upped their ante when they actually started listing the names of my SpeedDate suitors. Dannyboy624, 25, from Chattanooga, TN. SpaceMan, 32, from Baltimore. ToddlerLuv, 25, from San Antonio. Wow… look at that. Not even 7am and I’ve already got a redneck, a nerd and a pedophile vying for my attention. Today is going to rock!

What’s the deal with Facebook Ads using peoples’ pictures now? We didn’t even get a personal note from Marc Zuckerberg months in advance telling us it was coming! They’re just going to implement a blatant invasion of privacy like that and hope no one notices? God bless you, random kid from my Weather Lab, for updating your status and walking me through the steps to avoid that death trap. Imagine signing in one day and seeing a picture of yourself in Vegas on a stripper pole (not that I have one…) with an ad for the Morning-After Pill below it. Or a shot of your friend looking haggard with a phone number for the Colorado Meth Project below it. Low blow Facebook. Low blow.

Status Updates. Yes, I’ve been known to update my status on occasion, but it’s either because I’m being hilarious or doing something cool. No one cares that you’re “going to the dentist (ugh!), then to the post office, then to lunch with your bestie and finally to the POOL!!!” That’s not like a newsworthy day. In fact more than half of your day sounds horrible. And spare me the emo statuses that makes me think you’re about to end it. “Lonely… can anyone hear me? Does anyone care?” Get real. If you want attention go to a poetry slam or something. How about the people who write a status, accidentally omitting or misspelling a word, and then proceed to re-type it, generously leaving the original up for us to look at and laugh at. What a dumbass!

I had an accident on Facebook today and I’m still feeling pretty weird about it. Bored at work, I was innocently perusing my homepage when my mouse got tripped up at a sticky spot on my desk where my grapefruit had oozed earlier in the day. To my horror, I realized I had clicked the “Thumbs Up!” button on THE most random girl’s status, which happened to say, “Leaving on a jetplane! Thailand in 3 days!” There is absolutely no excuse for me to give a thumbs-up to that post. I haven’t talked to this girl since we awkwardly made up a Spice Girls dance at drama camp and then had a weird falling out. I’ve never been to Thailand and could really care less that she’s going. Flustered, I tried undoing my mistake, but the damage was done. I can imagine her face next time she logs in and sees that “Stephany likes your status!” She’ll probably think it’s so weird, and then wonder if I’m a lesbian now or something.

I feel like the “thumbs-up” is really personal. I’m not going to hit it unless I really feel passionate about what you’re saying. They should give you a second chance before you reach the point of no return: “Are you SURE you want to express your overwhelming support of this person’s status?” in which case I would have selected ‘ NO’, been thankful that a crisis was averted and moved on with my day.

I guess the case I’m making is that Facebook is sucking lately. It’s making me feel way more pervy and out of control than ever before. If this continues, I will have no choice but to check out match.com. It can’t be as sketchy as Facebook, right?