Playthings of the '90s

Last night at dinner club, we started talking about how great it was growing up in the ‘90s. Not just because we were approaching the dawn of a new millennium or because Hannah Montana wasn’t “being Miley” yet, but because the absolute BEST toys came out in the ‘90s, and we were at the perfect, ripe age to enjoy them.

Arguably the most high-maintenance ‘90s toy was the Tamagotchi. I had it clipped to my backpack to ensure easy accessibility, and I absolutely fussed over it all day. You can’t blame me though; I had the neediest little virtual pet on the planet. I’d feed it, clean up after it had disgusting accidents right in the middle of the screen, and feel a surge of maternal pride when it would hatch into something new. It was all fun and games until it hatched into Bill Clinton once, which was far from the mystical Japanese creature I had been awaiting with baited breath, and I let it die.

I’m convinced that childhood obesity was lower when we were growing up purely because of another unforgettable ‘90s toy: the Skip-It. I used to Skip-It on my driveway until it was too dark to read the counter, which by the way, was absolute magic. How did it know how many times I’d Skip’d-It? It was technology at its finest, and I was pushing it to the limits. I made it to 999 several times and was horrified when it would reset to 0. There goes a whole after-school afternoon. Great. I could have been chatting with a friend on my landline.

GAK was a great '90s toy, if you can even call it that. I honestly don’t know how to categorize GAK. First of all, it was made by Nickelodeon, which was weird. And was it a solid? A liquid? Did it cause Cancer? Could you eat it? Who knows, and honestly, who cares. I used to goop it around in my hands for hours, allowing myself to just get lost in its questionable composition. I have a vague memory of blowing bubbles with GAK, which had to be an absolute germfest, because let's face it: if you brought GAK to school, you could count on at least 9 elementary kids fingering it with their grubby little monkey bar hands.

Two words: Polly Pocket. Polly lived the most awesome life in her pocket-sized world. There wasn’t a whole lot you could do with her other than move her two inches to the other side of her case and marvel at how pretty she was, but that was OK, because a tiny person was living in a tiny universe in my cubby. I always wondered what she was doing in there while I was in class. (Obviously I read Indian in the Cupboard too many times…)

Puppy Surprise was a hilarious '90s toy. You bought a pregnant stuffed dog with a Velcro stomach and basically just prayed it had a nice healthy litter inside. The ultimate let down was tearing into that mama dog’s uterus and finding one lousy puppy. No one wanted the worthless runt, and this scenario often resulted in Puppy Surprise being abandoned in favor of Baby Alive, who would pee or poop her diaper without fail every time. At least kids of the ‘90s could count on something.

You know what was an absurd 90’s phenomenon? Toy crazes. The fanaticism over Beanie Babies may be the best example, but let us not forget about Tickle Me Elmo and Furby (which, by the way, were both absolutely terrifying with their alien voices and predator-like movements). Moms would literally beat each other DOWN over $20 toys, and it was always fun to see the K-Mart carnage on the news, especially during the holidays.

If I'm honest, I feel bad for Millennium babies. Nickelodeon hasn’t produced a carcinogenic substance in years. And how are little four-year-old girls supposed to practice their mothering skills if their dolls don’t even soil their diapers anymore? Don’t even get me started on how many children would probably just keel over and die of exhaustion if the prehistoric counter on the Skip-It was replaced with a digital one. No, my friends, we made it out of childhood just in the nick of time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go feed my Tamagotchi. It’s been alive for 12 days and I think it’s about to win a Nobel Peace Prize.