In fact, challenging myself has been a recurring theme as of late, and not just to see how many Chardonnays I can order before happy hour ends or how many items I can buy for under $20 at TJ Maxx. Rather, said challenges are significant life-improvers. The most noteworthy challenge is detailed below.
A couple of weeks ago, in a fit of athletic ambition and self-confidence, I signed myself up for the Denver Rock ‘n Roll Half Marathon.
“13 miles”, I thought? “I ran 3 the other day and felt pretty good”.
And just like that, I paid my $92 registration fee with the same enthusiasm I have when I pay my Xcel bill. Not until the next day did I understand the magnitude of what I had done. 13 miles is 10 miles more than three, you hotshot. You ran cross country seven years ago in high school—big wow. But alas, the commemorative XS men’s t-shirt had been reserved, and I knew there was no turning back. The next logical move would have been to head straight to the park and run until I threw up to determine my athletic threshold. I chose instead to make a beeline for Sports Authority where I spent entirely too much money on name brand running wear. I figured if I was going to be pounding the pavement for the foreseeable future, I might as well look like a babe while doing it. Feeling pleased with my selections, I went home and pulled on a pair of my new shorts. That’s when I felt something that stopped me dead in my tracks: Built. In. Underwear. What’s up with that? Why does Nike feel so strongly about full-butt coverage that they literally sew underwear into their merchandise? As far as I’m concerned, Nike has no business underneath my Dri-FITS. No business at all.
Important lessons learned while training:
• Don’t eat too soon before a run, or you might throw up before you reach your threshold, which can be really confusing.
Important lessons learned while training:
• Don’t eat too soon before a run, or you might throw up before you reach your threshold, which can be really confusing.
• Don’t NOT eat before a run, or you might faint, which is way worse than prematurely throwing up.
• Road bikers are the enemy. With their “Holier than Thou” attitudes and stupid fire lens Oakleys, they will yell obscenities at you and try to make you feel like an inferior athlete; you’re not. There are lots and lots of fat bikers.
• The proverbial “runner’s high” exists only when drugs are consumed before the run begins. It’s my experience that the euphoric feeling doesn’t arrive until 10 minutes after the run is over and I’m starfishing on the carpet under the air conditioning vent.
• If a country song comes onto your iPod in the middle of the run, you have approximately 3.4 seconds to turn it off before the sad lyrics and overall depressing vibe infect your pace and ruin everything.
• Passing someone is really cool, but only if you can keep the pace up. A surefire way to make an arch nemesis on the trail is to pass them and then let them pass you back. If this happens, all bets are off and you’ll end up pulling your groin to keep up with a stranger whose athleticism you underestimated. If you can’t hang, don’t pass.
So with the big race day approaching next month, it’s time to tighten up those built-ins and turn up the techno. I’m also looking for someone to shuttle me from the finish line directly to a bar; let me know if anyone has a wheelbarrow. Road bikers need not apply unless you have a rickshaw attached, in which case I will pick the farthest bar away and enjoy the delicious irony of making you a runner’s slave. Who's inferior now?
"If a country song comes onto your iPod in the middle of the run, you have approximately 3.4 seconds to turn it off before the sad lyrics and overall depressing vibe infect your pace and ruin everything."
ReplyDeleteDon't forget to rid your playlist of any and all R&B tracks either. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: I know that it's been 6 months, 8 days, 12 hours since you went away, but the only thing I'm counting is milliseconds it takes for me to change your song, Mr. McKnight.